Over these past few days, I’ve been sharing 5 super personal stories around INTIMACY that I feel need to be told, so we can all learn from them and make the best choices.
Here’s part 4.
Life continues even when you’re on the luge of self-discovery. Kids grow, careers change, families come together or fall apart – life goes on.
My parents and I have undergone a separation that I would like to say is initiated smoothly by my path of self-discovery.
Initiated? Yes. Smooth? No.
It starts a few years prior when I want to reconcile my relationship with my mother. She wants to be close friends as well as mother and grandmother. Yet, it’s not safe for me to do this, so I dance around it.
Finally, I sit her down and using my hands, explain that our relationship is like a Venn diagram. Yes, we have overlapping similarities, yet we also have differences. These similarities are easy, but the differences can be interesting too.
I tell her I don’t begin and end with her. There’s more to me and she may be pleasantly surprised at what she finds.
It’s well received and lasts for exactly one conversation.
A few months later, one of my brothers goes off the rails by one of our interactions and I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say what ensues is both enlightening and earth-shattering.
I essentially get kicked out of my family and it all begins with the Venn diagram conversation.
The fact that I feel I’m different is received as I think I’m better than everyone else, so
when there’s a rift in the family it’s utterly put upon me.
During one awful conversation, I ask my parents, “Why do you love my brothers more than you love me?”
Now, lawyers know this, but I’m not a lawyer. Don’t ever ask a question you don’t want the answer to, because in this case, I got answered. Yup, my parents went on to explain why they love my brothers more than me.
Even still, I wasn’t done. At this point, I have two pre-teens who’ve gotten use to their grandparents and relatives around, especially on holidays.
So, I go back for more.
One final time.
I sit and write a heart-wrenchingly open letter to my parents. To give context, I’ll share the last section:
“I’m just your daughter standing naked before you. Totally vulnerable. Scared. Alone. Asking you to see me, know me and love me.”
I send it. Then I wait.
It doesn’t take long. I’m called and told to come over right away to ‘have a talk’.
This is foreboding, so with trepidation and dread, I decide to go.
I load my pockets with amethyst and rose quartz, include my Tarot Empress card and drive the longest 10 minutes of my life.
I enter my parent’s kitchen, again my eyes shining with yearning and shyness, to be met with anger, defiance and scolding.
It’s no Hallmark moment. There won’t be any reconciliation.
I sit in utter angst for those first moments as I hear how wrong I am about so many things.
I want to curl up and wither away and then I touch the card and stones in my pocket.
As I do so, I remember.
– who I am.
– all of my gifts.
– what I’ve been put on this Earth to do.
– how I want to be different than my mother and in this moment, I know without a doubt, I am nothing like her.
There is no circumstance I can ever imagine that I would respond to one of my children in this way.
Ever.
As I sit and receive pure venom, I heal.
I know myself – deeply and completely.
And, I like myself – oh, so much.
Also, I trust in myself, and the fact that I can under these conditions, is a miracle.
Now, that I’ve put myself into such a vulnerable position with my own parents and survived, I know I can be vulnerable with my closest people.
I’m ready.
Hit reply. I’ll bear witness to your greatest vulnerability if you want to share.
xxx, Kim
P.S. Tomorrow you get all of the goodies.
